Beta-Male Bullet Points
- Sweaters are in for Men.
- Bowties are Out.
- Cold Shoulder Flared Sleeves.
Y (Chromosome) Not?
For Men, Fashion options this winter are Nuclear:
Let’s be clear, if you wear a sport coat with denim and are not a college professor, you need to stop. This is no longer acceptable and nobody said anything out of pity for a few years but it is over now. The grace period stops unless you are immediately about to go and lasso cattle.
Secondly, another thing that needs to be discussed is bow ties. Thankfully beards have started to get rid of the intentional bowtie. The intentional bowtie is the one where it is your day off from Starbucks and you wake up and say, “Today I will celebrate my individuality with a bowtie” and that can’t happen. There are two reasons to wear a bowtie: 1. It is 4th Grade Picture Day and 2. Your socks have been soaked in Lysergic Acid.
This, yet again, shows the magnificent power of the sweater game. With a sweater, the tie game becomes irrelevant, unless you have a gender neutral sweater vest, which we will start seeing soon. All I can say about turtleneck is, how cool can something with the word “turtle” in it be, anyway?
Steve Jobs is the only person ever to pull off the turtleneck, and he only went with a 1/4turtleneck. Never go full turtleneck.
For those of you who still wear denim, don’t worry, it is a “fashionable choice” but if you are wearing denim for fashion purposes, consider this: Wearing designer denim is like wearing steam punk goggles to an anime convention: For the kind of people you are trying to impress, it certainly is ‘cool’.
Luckily the male Romper died a quick death and need not ever be mentioned again. But lets seriously look at the most horrible idea ever to come out of 2017:
The male Romper
Initially proposed as what was hopefully a joke, this sad idea somehow got traction with more than three people. Like short shorts, like overalls, with just a touch of death thrown in. These are the only proof you need that: just because cool models on a runway do it, it’s still not cool.
Sweater game rules out the need to choose a collar or button style on your top. It also draws attention away from whatever horrific shoe sock combination you went with.
ARE YOU AN ASPIRING YOUTH PASTOR?
If so, might I recommend a flannel shirt? Yes, it has been played out since ten years ago, but the flannel shirt may be the look you need this winter. There is actually only one reason to wear a flannel shirt:
- You are a redneck and you need the flannel pattern so when your friends get so drunk they are seeing double you look like a giant Confederate flag.
- There is literally no other reason to wear a flannel shirt.
Flannel button ups don’t actually have any other reason to exist. Which brings us to our final hot fashion item:
FINAL THOUGHTS FROM ITALY
The sad part about this look is that it’s Ermanegildo Zegna, who should know better:
Look at this guy.
Pants tucked into socks.
I can’t get past that.
Europe is lost.
Stay Tuned Elephants!