Identifying as a Creep


Clarification: The following is satire, to demonstrate that to Christians, the sole single definer of their identity is Jesus Christ, and asking them to support any other single primary source of identity is to ask them to endorse a lifestyle they view as dangerous and destructive and the following is a treatise to demonstrate how such a misplaced identity can lead to justifying concepts that are completely insane.

I am a POC, a person of Creepiness. This means when I was born, creepy was a part of who I was. On the playground, I was not just a kid, I was the creepy kid. Other kids’ parents warned them about me. Sure, a few were accepting of me, but only as the token creepy kid, as if by befriending just me, they could prove they were not creepist against all creepy people.

At the lunchtable, I would be asked questions and expected to answer on behalf of all creepy people everywhere, an ambassador for creeps around the world to my tight knit group of ciscreepy friends who had the PRIVILEGE of not being creepy and lorded it over me by explicitly directions questions to me, as if creepy people were some collective autonomous unit who all think the same.

They would look around and, as if I was the only creepy person allowed into their clique, tell horrible jokes about creepy people and expect me to laugh along with them as a tacit implication that this did not make them horrible privileged bigots.

It only got worse, women would go on one or two dates with me to be able to brag that they did, in fact, date creepy people, but the farce was obvious to me. A box to tick off. Then summarily dumped, or when I came out as creepy, told “I don’t date creeps.”

Whenever a piece of robotics equipment breaks down, people naturally expect me to know how to fix it, like all creepy people naturally sit in the dark basement coding computers all day for fun. “Hey, make sure we get the creepy kid for our drone racing team, all creepy people are good with robots.”

Other people try to relate to me, sharing times they were at Yoga and the person in front of them was doing some amazing moves and they wanted to compliment them, but could not for fear of coming off as creepy. Borrowing elements of creep culture to suit their own needs which dilutes my rich creepy heritage.

Some people are uncomfortable sharing a bathroom with a creepy person. They say that we make them uncomfortable, as if we had some choice over our creepiness. They cite crime statistics, the times where creepy people snap and kill the objects of their affection as if the actions of a violent extremist minority can be used to paint a broad brush about all creeps everywhere. Sure, creeps have a higher incidence of stalking and violent assaults, but maybe if society was not so stigmatized against them, the pressure to conform to ciscreepy privilege culture would not manifest in such violent outbreaks. People say being creepy causes the crime, when in actuality the societal expectations create problematic inequalities that manifest in creeps being unfairly targeted and singled out for prosecution in such actions.

What people don’t understand is that being a creep is about love. So many people judge creeps for the physical activities we engage in and ignore the undercurrent of love behind it.  The hate directed at creepy people cannot be put into words. It would not be fair to continue without pointing out that not all people who claim to be creeps are motivated by love. Some are, in fact, cultural creeps, who are creepy not because of a deep seated identification and love driving their creepiness, but rather because it matches their convenient lifestyle, allowing them to show up once per week, be a creep, and then after less than an hour going back to their regular life. In case you missed it this is satire directed at Christians who just play along but don’t take faith seriously, as if the rules of God are to be sort of half followed but not when they are inconvenient. Some even use being creepy as a way to justify pointing out wrongs in other people, an excuse to be antisocial, and are not at all motivated by love. These are the worst of all. Cultural creeps who do not take their relationship with creepiness seriously do more damage to the idea of being creepy than anyone else.

They say we shouldn’t be allowed in public dressed the way we do. I lost friendships with people who, upon finding out I am creepy, tell me this way of life is wrong, that the under representation of creeps in Child Care is reflective of the fact that we just naturally make children uncomfortable and not due to implicit hiring bias and an education system that drives creepy people towards computer programming and hobbies like Robotics,table top RPGs and video games. There are creeps in walks of life that you would never guess. Only just recently we elected our first creepy President.

Sure, a lot of people’s idea of creepy people is the man in the middle of a college campus with signs about the faults of his ex girlfriend spewing vitriol at passers by, but this is just a misunderstanding. Our way of directing you to how to be really and truly creepy may seem weird, but it is motivated by love. Creepy is a spectrum, when a man tells his wife of twenty years that he loves her, he is being slightly creepy.

Creeps have ideas of who should be allowed to get married(people they aren’t creeping on) and who should not(anyone they are).

This all stems from a misunderstanding of how society views being creepy. These problematic relationships need to be broken down a the societal level by counteracting negative communications of stigma at an early age. The only way to do this comes in early education, reaching children at a young age about the beauty of being creepy and encouraging them to explore creepiness, to take candy from strangers on the understanding that there is absolutely nothing wrong with offering it in the first place outside of outdated obsolete views on morality that are no longer relevant in the current year. When you look at the actual cases of child abduction, and compare it to the estimated millions of creepy people in the United States, it is simple statistically impossible to say that any percentage of creepy people are dangerous in any way..

Because not all people offering candy to small children are dangerous, and it is bigoted to tell our kids they are. Thank you for taking such an open minded approach to this.

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Identifying as a Creep